Sometimes, I feel like I make these grand assertions on here, and there’s only grand to me. Which is fine; it’s my blog. I write it for my own (lame) memory’s sake, anyhow, so any assertion I wanna make is one I should feel good about making right?
But here’s one that I really am taking very seriously. It’s not about my hair, my weight, or even cleaning. Well, it’s sorta about cleaning. Mainly, it’s about me.
See, I have lots of very strong, capable women around me. Most (if not all) of these women have given birth at some point. And while every woman has their very own birth story, there has been one thing I’ve never heard anything about in my own circle, so I assumed it was just an urban legend.
Then, as it all came crashing down around me this last week, I realized that urban legends have to have some truth to them in order to circulate. So maybe it’s NOT so mythical. Maybe real people DO get Post-partum depression.
This last week, I got stuck in a very dark, very deep place. I’ve been doing that off and on since the baby was born, unfortunately, but I was always quick to attach an excuse to it. First it was exhaustion. “I’m depressed because I’m exhausted.” What new mom wouldn’t be? Then it was the hormones. “My body’s going through so many changes, so I’m feeling depressed.” Again, totally plausible. Then, the reasons varied between plausible and completely ludicrous, anywhere from “The baby’s been so sick, so I’m just run down and blue” to “I can’t stand to wash any more bottles, I JUST CAN’T, and JesusGod, if someone doesn’t rescue me from this monotony..”
There is SO MUCH GUILT associated with this. Because I don’t fit the mold of what I think PPD should be. I don’t hate my baby, I don’t resent my baby, I don’t regret my baby.. any of that. But there’s this overwhelming heaviness, hanging over me like a little black raincloud. Even on good days, it’s not that they’re GOOD, it’s just that they suck LESS.
And I felt feel so guilty, because I KNOW how lucky I am.
As you can see, I still catch myself trying to clean up my language, trying to bury what is gnawing away at me. Because it’s not in my nature to say, “I’m just sad and I don’t know what to fix and I need help.“ I shouldn’t need help; I’m a big girl with all the capabilities of any human being, and I should be able to handle this. Right?
Wrong. So horribly and obviously wrong.
I came in Monday night after a board meeting to dishes in the sink and a house that needed cleaning, and it was too much. I crawled into bed without saying two words to my husband, my best friend, whom I would usually share anything with. And as he rubbed my head later, trying to coax it out of me, all I could say was, “Does it ever get better? Does it ever become easier? Less routine?”
He said, “Well, just try and enjoy the moments. Each laugh of Tony’s is different. So just enjoy each moment as it comes.”
I looked at him and pondered squeezing his eyeballs into his skull with my thumbs, because I would’ve enjoyed THAT moment right then, but instead, I just fell asleep. Because it wasn’t that I was morbidly depressed; it was that I was numb.
Last night, after shutting myself off from him all day, we fell into bed again and I tried different words. “I am just so sad,” I started. Then the tears came. And I was slightly excited, because it was the most I’d felt in a LONG time. “I love my son, and I love you, and everything is so perfect, and yet I don’t feel happy. I feel run-down and tired and lost and numb. I feel empty.”
“We’re going through a lot, you know,” he said. “What with a new baby, your new job, a new house, you going back to school.. that’s a lot. Of course you’re stressed.”
“It’s not stress,” I sobbed. “I think I need to see a doctor.”
I really don’t know what to say, or how to say it but I’m sorry. I hope you can figure this out and kick it’s butt! You are such a strong woman and I admire you for admitting there is something wrong. If you ever need to meet for a drink or talk i’m here.
(((((((BIG HUGS YOUR WAY)))))))))
Thanks a whole bunch. I’m stuck in insurance hell right now (my insurance doesn’t seem to cover mental health), so I’m trying to find a new family doctor (since mine stopped practicing) and getting an appointment there so I can be referred to an appointment to “talk” to someone.
I think more women have struggled with PPD than people realize. Like you, I think they’ve shrugged it off with one excuse or another. I admire you for being aware that it’s more than exhaustion and that you are seeking outside help. As if the world didn’t already know it, it shows what a strong woman you really are to accept it, deal with it and move forward. (((HUGS))) And like the PP said, I, too, am always up for a cocktail if you’re ever in need of a getaway.
I didn’t go through PDP. However, I spirled into a pit of despair after moving to Hoover. I, luckily, have insurance that covers 10 visits per year to a shrink, and I have used them all since February. I wanted to hit John when he said the same things to me that Bryan said to you, and it took a long time for me to call a doctor because I thought the same thing as you- I am a big girl, and people like me don’t do this. I don’t have a lot to offer, other than: you’re not alone, this too shall pass, and I am here if you want to talk…
Depression is real. It rarely makes sense. I commiserate with love.
I talked to my doctor about this on Monday. I know there is a real chance of PPD for me…I was on the verge of medicating myself a few times as I was younger and I know where this type of life change leaves me emotionally. My OBGYN was able to prescribe something so I could have it on hand after the baby is born…if I need it, it’s there and I feel better knowing that.
Cass’s last blog post..PSA: Things not to say
Oh dear. I hear you, loud and clear. You know I do. I hope you get the insurance bs straight so you can get back to feeling better, and to feeling.
My OB can prescribe things too, maybe start there if your insurance strings you along??
Christina’s last blog post..Blocked
I was going to suggest your OB too. I know mine would prescribe something and refer… Good luck!
Sarah, so sorry you’re going through this and I can almost feel your pain partly because I have been there but also because you described it so well.
That’s horrible that there’s no coverage for mental health but glad you’re reaching out. I have a hard time asking for help too. A lot of people think I’m so calm and together but inside sometimes I feel I could snap. Maybe I should have been an actor. ha.
Hang in there. Venting is probably therapeutic on it’s own and knowing others care and have been there helps.
Sandra’s last blog post..10 Things I Wish I Had Known About Parenting
Talk to your doctor. Remember, that not only is your body chemically unbalanced (from carrying a kid), but you’re also starting a new lifestyle of eating, and your body will react to that as well. Exercise might help relieve some anxiety, and your doctor probably has other suggestions for you too. There is totally light at the end of this tunnel, you probably just need some prozac before you can see it. You’re like Mary Tyler Moore, you’re gonna make it after all!
Oy, where to start? I’m the poster child for therapy and antidepressants. They do what they are designed to do for me just like clock work.
The first time I took them was when my ex kept telling me everything was fine but I knew in my oh so smart heart of hearts that he was having an affair. Gaslight your wife much, asshat? I stayed on them about six months.
I also took them when Chris and I were first married. I questioned myself much like you: I’m newly married, I have three beautiful kids that I didn’t have to birth, we have a great house, what the hell is wrong with me? Looking back it makes perfect sense that I got overwhelmed and depressed, but like you I expected myself to be Superwoman.
I’ve been on them this go ’round for about a year, and am slowly weaning off of them now. My hideous job situation at SirsiDynix and changing jobs and that not working out sent me into a bit of a tailspin again.
My depression has always been situational, but I do realize that it runs in my family. I try to be very cognizant of when I’m close to falling off that ledge that I can’t seem to climb out of without some chemical assistance.
I’m also researching and trying to put into practice some meditation and spiritual practices that hopefully will help me not sweat the small stuff. It’s helping.
I shudder to think if I had the hormonal changes that pregnancy and childbirth bring how wacked out I would have been. Feel no shame, my friend. We’re all in it together.
Gena Wilhite’s last blog post..Hello, I’m Gena
Oh Honey! I didn’t leave the hospital without my prescription for Cymbalta. (both times)
I can’t imagine what I would be like without it….
Aardvark’s last blog post..Penelope…pt. 1
I think it is great you have the courage to write about this. I had Postpartum depression and it was awful. I felt guilty and isolated and I felt like other women were judging me, until I found some women online who wrote about their experiences and it made me feel like maybe I wasn’t a horrible person.
You are a good mother. It will get better. Reach out for help. If you have the time or inclination a support group is awesome. Just remember it’s not your fault, and you’re not alone.
Tracy’s last blog post..T minus 1 day
It takes courage to put this out there. Thank you.
I’m 6.5 months pregnant and I am terrified of PPD. I have never suffered from depression but I worked in mental health for years before becoming a mom and I’ve seen how deep that pit can be and it frightens me.
Please do talk to your doctor. Don’t let him/her brush you off until you feel like you are heard. Talk to other mommas – don’t hide no matter how strong that urge might be.
Michelle’s last blog post..Catch up
Dr. Haley, who took over Crestani’s case load, is AMAZING.
[...] child ate cat poo. I have run through neighborhoods dressed as a hooker. I have suffered through PPD. I failed at breastfeeding. I don’t work well with jalapenos. And I’ve pooed on a [...]