“When I meet a man I ask myself,
‘Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?’”
- Rita Rudner

This is one of those posts where you older, wiser folks smile and nod at my naivety.  And I’m okay with that.

Last night, I lay there and thought, “Oh my God.  FOREVER.”

Then I remembered, there is no forever today.  There’s a temporary.  A now.  A for awhile.  But not forever.  That’s a foreign concept.  Now, granted, I would only enter into something I plan to stay in for.. fore.. forev..

Yeah, I can’t say it.  It freaks me out.  The idea of familiarity freaks me out.  The idea of routine freaks me out.  The idea of predictability.. you get the point.  And I lay there last night and thought, “Oh my God.  FOREVER.”

And I should clarify: it’s not Bryan that freaks me out.  I love him more than my heart knew it could, and there is no fear in it being HIM forever.  None.  It’s just.. the idea of ANYTHING forever startles me.  It’s why I’ll try ANY new food put before me.  It’s why I’ll see bad movies.  It’s why I don’t buy CDs; I download individual singles.  It’s why I don’t collect anything, and why I hesitate to label myself.  Forever scares me.

It’s the fear of the new wearing off.  The shine being gone from the marble.  And, inevitably, the desire to trade up to the newer, shinier model.  And I can’t actually articulate if it’s fear of HIS wanting to trade up or MINE, but it’s a fear.

And what really sucks is that it’s this way NOW.  Just wait, I know all of you married, child-laden people are saying.  Just wait until your schedule is not yours anymore.  Just wait until your life revolves around PTAs and cartoons.  No more eating out.  No more weekend jaunts.  No more spontaneity.  Just wait.

So I’m sitting here, looking at this incredibly ominous post, and wondering where it all came from.  Because I fell asleep last night, with Bryan rubbing my back, thinking how incredibly lucky I am.  How blessed I would be to fall asleep every night like that.  I’m bitching over nothing.

I’ll just keep eating new foods.  And downloading singles that catch my ear.  And lusting after long weekend getaways that never happen.  I really do have a blessed life.  So.. you know..

.. nevermind.