This is my baby-related post for the day. I actually started my non-baby post last night, as I was waiting for the Binja to fall asleep. Oh, and we call him Binja now.. it’s for “baby ninja”. Why? Because my husband would dry hump this guy if given the opportunity, and is hoping that Tony will develop ninja skills if we “subtly” move him in that direction.
I’m having some serious anxiety issues with going back to work. This goes beyond any rational explanation because, well, it’s stupid. (Nice logic, huh?) When I was 10 months pregnant, or hell.. pregnant at ALL, I never had any sort of anxiety dreams. Not about labor, or about parenting, or about losing the baby, or ANYTHING. I had one or two about breastfeeding (psychic friends much?), but that was it. But now that I’m due to return to work in ~ a week? JesusGod, my sleep is permeated with them.
Will I have enough time to get ready in the morning without totally disrupting my son’s routine? (And I use the word routine loosely.) Will my son hate me for leaving him for eight hours a day? Will they look at me differently when I return to work? Will they judge me for not being back to the size 10 I was pre-pregnancy? Will I face resentment from having have someone else pick up my slack in my absence? Will I be able to switch back into the mindset of the detail-focused business woman after eroding to only “bottle-maker”?
This morning, I’m visiting my old college campus with my husband (who is also an alumnus), so I knew I was going to have to get up early to get the day started. (I say “early” like I don’t normally rise at six-thirty, but now there’s a purpose.) I heard the baby stirring around 5:30, so I begrudgingly pulled myself out of bed, made a bottle to warm, and headed in to get him. HE WAS STILL ASLEEP. So I had enough time to shower, dry my hair, and type a post before he woke up. Which alleviates a huge worry.. I think mornings will be okay. (For the most part. I know there will be surprises here and there.)
And I bought a new day planner a few weeks back. It’s color coded and ready for the year. (Honesty break: I actually bought TWO because I messed the first one up by only having black ink to fill it in, and then anxiety set in that I couldn’t “read” it at a glance. OCD.) So I can maybe focus on details.
As for the judgement, only time will tell. This week, I plan to buy some new work clothes (since my fat ass can’t fit in my FABULOUS and QUALITY size 10 wardrobe anymore) and get my hair cut and colored. Even if I don’t look fabulous by my start date, I’ll at least feel like I put some effort into looking .. not mommy like.
I feel awful saying that. Moms are beautiful. I am one. But you have to admit, there are days.. yesterday, alone, I was spit up on, peed on, covered in pet hair, and I cleaned a massively toxic diaper that ended up covering my hands to my wrists. As I caught myself in the mirror while doing laundry, I thought, “Holy shit.. professional, you are not.”
(Yes, I think like Yoda in my head.)
So there’s my anxiety for the day. I know I’ll make it through because, well, there’s no other choice. And I realize how INCREDIBLY blessed I am to be dropping my Binja off with family instead of some strangers at a facility (for now.. those days will come later), so I realize that there’s one more anxiety I’ve been spared. (Thanks, Mom!) And in a week, it will all be a distant, sleep-deprived memory.
I hope.
Work will be like everything else since you became a mother–forever altered, and yep, a little harder. Will you always look well-rested and put together and ready for your close-up? I think you know the answer to that one. On the other hand, people cut you more slack when you have a kid. You will miss him but trust me, he will be incredibly happy to see his mama when you come through that door at the end of the day. You are SOOOOO lucky to have a loving grandma for childcare. I predict you will handle the challenge of going back to work like you do everything else in your life: with a lot of humor, a little angst, and looking fabulous, dah-ling.
This has to be so hard on you! I cannot beleive how fast your leave has gone. I hope you enjoy this week.
Well, you’re right. Going back to work is going to suck. BUT, like anything else, its a process. It will go one day at a time, and we already know that the end result will be a healthy happy T and Sardough, so don’t worry about the result and just focus on the process.