Bryan and I lay in bed in the nursery last night, a very sleepy Tony between us.
“Are you scared?” he asked.
“Even with his lucky foot, there’s nothing that seems insurmountable about this child,” I said, pushing back tears. “Are you scared?” He shook his head no. “Well, you’ve done this before,” I said.
“It’s different,” he said. His turn to push back tears. “I feel so much more involved with this one. And I know it sounds stupid, but I think having my blog helped.”
I smiled. “It’s not stupid,” I said. “It’s why we write.”
There is so much ahead of me that I could be terrified about. Every day brings a bazillion questions that seem to rest on my shoulders and offer me about two bazillion chances to second guess myself.
I want to thank everyone who reads here and offers support. While my completely unabashed nature means I have no trouble airing my stupidity, it is so wonderful to know that others have gone through it, or it brought humor to someone’s day, or that we’re all human. Because it makes me feel a little less stupid. Little less.
It occurred to me today that I haven’t posted a single picture of Tony yet. As silly as it sounds, I’m not ready to share him just yet. I can’t stop staring at this tiny piece of brilliance and marveling at the fact that Damn, I did that. I hope that we can soon fall into a routine here at the house and I can show you just how cool he truly is.
And maybe by then I’ll have gotten enough sleep to come up with witty taglines again. Until then.. see you later, alligator. (God, that sucks. MUST SLEEP.)
The most awesome thing about blogging…is that you realize you’re not alone in the ups and downs of parenting. It has amazed me how, every time I think I’m the only one who feels a certain way, blogging brings me the knowledge that there are ALWAYS others who feel the same way.
You’re already doing great. Can’t wait to see pictures!
(Look at me! De-lurking twice in one week.)
I have some awesome news for you. Nearly two years later? We still look at each other and say - “We made her.” It hasn’t gone away. I’m still amazed. Every day. Welcome to being a parent. It’s the best thing ever.
From those of us who have been down this road already…it’s ok to want to keep him to yourself for awhile. He’s special, a blessing, an incredible gift. Keep your family close to your heart now and bond. As for the blogging…we are all so in this together and if you can pull strength from friends and family, even if it’s only in a written form then you know you are never alone. He’s gonna move mountains with you two as his parents. Enjoy this time.
Interesting thing about those cyber connections, eh? A few years back, they were the object of much derision (”Yeah, she met him ONLINE!?@?! Harumph!”). On CBS Sunday morning, Nancy Giles (who I usually adore) was blathering on about how handwritten snail-mail letters are SO much better.
Well, I call bullshit. Indeed, letters are nice. But cyber connections have their own special power. One of my favorite bloggers (now inactive), Clayton Cubitt of Operation Eden, wrote of his families travails and salvation during Katrina”
I feel the massive hum and throb of humanity, the hive, coming at me through the wires and wireless. If I touch it directly it could kill me, it’s that huge, a power line down across my desk. I’m talking about you, here. All the help that’s been sent, the words, the relief, the supplies, the thoughts, and yes, the prayers. You’ve kept a family alive, you know.
Be well, rest up, get to know your mysterious new companion.
in a while, crocodile.
You are doing fantastic! I think it so cute that you call it his lucky foot.
As emotional as it all is dont ever question yourself or what you are feeling! It is all so raw and real, you should just take it all for face value. Trust that gut feeling.
I cant wait to see him but really, do take your time. We will all be here when you are ready.
I’m so happy for you, and your growing family! Congrats Sarah!