Bryan wrote about the “what ifs” in his post from yesterday, and rightly so, because I’ve been annoying the snot out of him with those questions on a nightly basis.
What started it, I confessed to Ra today, is that we were flipping through channels about a month ago and stopped on some special about “a girl without a face”. She was, quite literally, born without a face.
Now, I googled it a few days ago, because she has been haunting my dreams ever since. You, too, can Google it, but I won’t link to it here because.. because.Â
The irrational part of my fear is that this is going to happen to my baby. I have decided to get a 4D ultrasound for no other reason than to assure myself that my child does, indeed, have a face. At which point Bryan can say “I TOLD YOU SO” a bazillion times and I will nod and smile happily.
The more rational part of my fear is rooted in self-doubt. I don’t know that I could conceivably love a child like that. Let me rephrase: I have no doubt that if my child was born with some defect (God forbid), I would love my child regardless. But I don’t know how to send that child into the world. The world is a cruel, awful place and I don’t know that I could send my child into it.
I look around at all of the healthy, happy, beautiful babies that I’ve seen born in the last year or two, and I think, “See? It all turns out alright.” Then I hear a statistic like 1 out of every 10.. and I start counting. Crap. I’m 10.
Since it’s an irrational fear, I apply irrational logic to it. For instance, I think good karma makes the baby healthier. And as HARD AS IT’S BEEN, I’ve kept to that. I also think the baby likes being outside, cause it’s going to be a hippie like its mother. So I’m outside a lot. I also think that how I treat the dogs affects the baby. I DON’T KNOW WHY.
I know that none of this makes sense, but I felt the need to be honest about my stupid and irrational fears. Yes, I could be worrying about someone stealing my baby at the hospital (thanks for that one, D!), but I prefer to take the fear less traveled.
It’s ok to have these fears. Every mother does at about this point. I had these horrible dreams about missing fingers or a nose not being right place but the second they lay that baby in your arms you forget about them. Don’t worry it’s a phase and it’ll pass-besides the bonus is a 4D which is just damn neat.
Petting me and making me cupcakes with homemade chocolate frosting will ensure your baby’s beauty, smarts, and health.
Caroline! She can’t make you cupcakes…she needs to be cleaning my house! That is VERY GOOD for babies.
I’m a multitasker. I can clean while the cupcakes are baking. Whatever. It. Takes.
Based on the premise “God never gives you more than you can handle”, my theory has always been - if you have a special needs child it’s God’s way of blessing you by saying “Here, I know you’re strong and can handle this. It’s my special gift to you”
It really isn’t irrational…you are no longer in control of your body and you have this tiny little being growing inside you. It’s hard to let go of the control factor. It’s motherhood. And once he/she gets here perfectly healthy…then you get to worry “is he breathing/pooping/eating/etc. the right way?” Good times for everyone!! A friend of mine said: It’s like having your heart walking (laying at first) around outside of your body.
If that is my gift from God then all I can say is that God is a shitty gift giver!
I talked to my Dad the other day about irrational fears. He said they never end. I’m 32 and he still doesn’t want to here about the stupid things I did as a kid. It would only make him think it likely that I try them again. All I can say is get used to the fear, if nothing else, all the good karma your trying to put out will make you a better person.
I won’t try to make things worse by pointing out all the problems an ultrasound can’t spot.
God gave me syphilis for my birthday last year. Thank you, God!
EVERY child IS a gift from God.
I can’t wait to visit the doctor tomorrow and 1) be reassured that everything is fine and 2) learn what kind of bundle to be anticipating! We’ll know by two p.m.!