I’m about to give you a big one for the “Sarah is such a HORRIBLE person” category. I know you’re excited.
Here’s the lowdown: I’m not excited about my pregnancy.
Don’t misunderstand. I am very much looking forward to being a mother. I can’t wait to do nursery stuff. But am I excited? About being bloated, constipated, gaining weight, and not sleeping? No, quite frankly, I’m not.
And I know that comes across as callous. Which is why when people gush and beam and ask me questions, I will put on some fake-happy-grin and say, “Yes, we’re very excited!”
That’s half true. Bryan is excited.
Does this make me horrible?
I don’t FEEL any different. I mean, I feel ill from time to time, and I hate how my weight fluctuates with the frequency of my bowel movements, and it’s weird to only crave healthy food.. but I don’t feel PREGNANT. At all. I just feel.. you know, like Sarah.
And I feel like I disappoint all of the people who want stories of flutters and how I lie awake and dream about our baby. Because I don’t get flutters and I don’t have those dreams. Last night, in fact, I dreamt that I couldn’t get on to a classified system that I desperately needed something from. THOSE are my dreams. No baby. None.
I worry that this means I’ll be a horrible mother. But I only worry about that for a second, because.. DUR. I felt this same way about my wedding, leading up to it. People kept saying, “Aren’t you excited?” Well, we were already living together (albeit, in sin), so there wasn’t that much change coming my way. We were good before, we are good now. I feel the same way about the baby. (Although, yes, I know there is a MAJOR change coming my way.)
Even seeing the ultrasound, LIVE, didn’t help. I was fascinated by it, in a way that you might be fascinated by watching a live surgery, but surely that heartbeat is not in MY belly.
And this all brings on stupid guilt and even stupider fears. Am I going to miscarry if I just don’t care enough? I’m eating right, sleeping plenty, and taking my vitamins. If I just don’t dote over it every single minute, will God deem me unworthy?
Teddie eased my mind at Book Club. She said she felt that way through the WHOLE pregnancy (and she has a fabulous daughter). She said even when they brought her the baby, she held the baby and thought briefly, “Look! Someone had a beautiful baby!” before it sank in that it was HER baby.
So there’s my deep, dark secret. Stupid shit that you worry about when you’re trying to sustain a life that you can’t feel.
Thats really not a bad thing. I felt the exact same way. I was horrified when I found out I was pregnant. J. was excited. Maybe it’s a guy thing.. You’re not a bad person though. I don’t think I could honestly say I was excited until about the 6th or 7th month-ish. Don’t feel bad Sarah, tis quite a scary thing you are embarking upon.
LOL No, you are not a bad person and no this doesn’t mean you are going to be a bad mother.
You just found out you were pregnant, right? So I am assuming you can’t be but a couple of weeks along, right? That’s why you don’t “feel” pregnant. Believe you me there will come a time in the near future that you will feel pregnant. LOL
No, these are all NORMAL. Don’t sweat it babygirl!
And on a sidenote - I reckon I felt the same way too…I chalk it up to just being dumbstruck by the whole thing and having never been pregnant before then, well I just didn’t know what to expect.
However, when my daughter was born and they put her in my arms my first thought, and I said it outloud to my husband, was, “I want another one!” LOLOLOL
You know what I love about you (amongst many things)? You’re honesty with us and yourself. What a novel concept. Here’s a fact for ya: You’re gonna be a kick-ass mother and how you feel during your pregnancy doesn’t change or alter that fact in anyway.
Sorry I couldn’t stay and see all the show yesterday. Only saw the first act, but you rocked!!
Thanks, guys. It’s nice to know that I’m not crazy. I’m sure that, when we get closer to “arrival”, I will definitely be more anxious. But right now? Well, I don’t feel like anything other than Sarah-during-a-show.
The thought of it terrifies me as well.