It ends at some point, right?  This exhaustion?

The exhaustion of working and mommying and derbying and snarking and everything else that comprises my whole week?  It, at some point, eases.. right?  Maybe not goes away, but maybe won’t wear me down to the point that Daylight Savings Time this weekend MAKES ME CRY IN ANGER?

I think it’s because I can actually sleep now.  I’m not just closing my eyes and stressing with my eyes closed for five or six hours a night; I’m actually sleeping and dreaming and my body is just REVELING in it.  As such, six hours a night is not enough.  It wants to SLEEP IN.  And I’m all hahahaha, bod, we haven’t slept in FOR YEARS NOW.  How do you even remember what that’s like?

Anyway, exhaustion aside, things are going well.  After being incredibly terrified for two days that I had NO idea what I’m doing and I was just MAKING EVERYTHING UP, I realized that .. um .. that’s what I’M BEING PAID TO DO.

To make stuff up.  To initiate.  To foster.  To create.   So I put my foot down, spent one long night working and sketching (my old boss used to say that she couldn’t talk without writing, so I took her advice and walked barefoot around a sketched whiteboard), and now I at least feel purposeful.  At least for this week.

I’ve had meetings, I’ve lined up meetings, and if nothing else, there is forward motion.  Which is what I need.  I feel.. better.  I still need to force my husband to help me for about an hour to get my office entirely set up, because right now, all I have is this guy to keep me company:

And while he’s cute, he’s a slacker in the picture-hanging department.

In short, I’m finding my way.  I’m still having to give myself constant pep talks that I’m NOT going to be perfect right out of the box and I’m NOT going to know the answers right away, and I need to remember that I’m working for a company that prides itself on trying things and to not fear failure, only to see it as a learning tool.

It’s just been such a long, hard road to get to a place like that.  It will take a bit to unwind.

(Although I think I will manage just fine.)

(Random shot of my baby being SUCH A BIG FREAKIN’ CHILD ALREADY)

I’d like to think all parents have these moments.

Stepparents have them, too, and in a way that smacks you across the face and makes you want to crawl in bed and die.

Lemme splain.

About, oh, I dunno, a year or so ago, I bought some bubbles.  One of the staff at Tony’s daycare mentioned how easy it was to transfix a baby with bubbles, so I bought your typical $1 bubbles.  We got home from the store, and I cracked open the bottle.  I fished out the wand, brought it up to my lips, and Jack bellowed,

“NO BUBBLES IN THIS HOUSE.  BUBBLES ARE FOR OUTSIDE PLAY ONLY.”

Yes, those were MY words.

I’ve been a stepparent to Jack for many years now, and let’s face it, I had NO CLUE what I was doing when I started.  In fact, I emailed someone the other day a How-To on being a stepparent with what I believe to be very sage advice, along with the caveat of “If I had written this two years ago, it’d be vastly different .. and it will be vastly different two years from now.”  It’s fluid and dynamic, that parenting thing.

I thought Jack needed rules and boundaries and structure when he was younger.. and I still stand by most of that .. but something I felt very strongly about was manners, etiquette, and a respect for property.  As such, apparently, I strictly enforced that bubbles are for OUTSIDE only.  They might stain.

And I didn’t remember that.  Good thing I didn’t have to; my parrot remembered for me.

I was also reminded the other day of another BUBBLES moment.  Tony woke up groggy from a nap, one that had come as a crash landing and hadn’t lasted long enough, apparently.  As Bryan teased and poked him, I got increasingly angry.  “He just needs to wake up a bit,” I’d whine, and realized I was defending Tony’s grouchy behavior.  I distinctly remembered, with a start, an EXACT instance where Jack had the same behavior and I thought, “We all wake up, just wake up and don’t be grouchy.”

Everyone told me “it’ll be different with your own child”, and they were right.  But in such a way that there are SO MANY times that I feel I owe Jack a do-over.

I feel like I owe you a million posts.  It’s been a full week.

So I feel pretty confident in saying that: TODAY WILL BE A MILLION TIMES BETTER THAN LAST MONDAY.  Mainly because I’m ready to kick ass and take names this Monday.

I started a new job on Friday.  It’s a job well-suited to me, although I’m just now figuring my way around it.  It’s been a long time since I’ve been new at something, starting from scratch, but you know?  That’s what life is all about.  Gotta crawl before you can walk.  I’m saying all of these analogies to make myself feel better that I’m not crazy busy yet.

Although, yes, the whole men-in-the-jeep thing last week REALLY sucked, I would say that the HARDEST part of this last week has been learning to relax a little.  Going from a crazy-hectic job that I worked 12-14 hours a day sometimes to a new job where I’m just now finding my feet?  Leaves me feeling a little lost.  Not needing to jump online at 5 a.m. to check what fires need to be put out has me feeling a little unnecessary.  And unnecessary, in my past experience, breeds unemployment.

So I’m telling myself to relax.  To just breathe.  To calm down.  Every time I’ve started a new job, I’ve given myself two months to feel comfortable into it.  It takes that long, I figure, to learn a rhythm, to understand a team, to establish a routine.  I’m just .. it just makes me nervous.

BUT, in that same vein?  It was awesome to not have a work computer at home this weekend.  It was nice to sleep until 6:30 and then just have ME time until Bryan and Tony woke up.  It was nice to enjoy Sunday evening without the increasing dread and terror that typically overcame any activity.  It’s just.. different.  Have to learn to enjoy different for a little while.

OH, BUT ALSO: my child, this weekend?  Is suddenly an adult.  Ate a full-sized cheeseburger with both hands, while drinking from a CUP WITH A LID AND A STRAW and then RODE A FREAKIN’ CAROUSEL and ohmygod, he will be driving, like, tomorrow at this rate.

I cried when he picked up the cheeseburger.  I’m just sayin’ I MAY BE A LITTLE EMOTIONAL RIGHT NOW.

HOLY SHIT.  Y’all, for real, as I was typing this, I realized that I suddenly feel unnecessary everywhere. Oh, God, with the sudden epiphany of blogging!  With my baby suddenly all self-sufficient and my new job not really fitting yet, I’m all sorts of lost and .. wow.

Enjoy the different, Sarah.  And breathe.